Four Letter Words that Start with L

Relevant ramblings from my loopy journal...

2007-08-15T08:27:00.000-05:00

Yesterday afternoon I was reading a very interesting article on the "reasons" that infidelity destroys American marriages, yet doesn't seem to have as near a destructive impact in marriages in other nations. It was certainly written from the male perspective and uses the American concept of a marriage to condemn itself. Therefore he rendered his article completely illogical (you cannot use what you are trying to prove as proof because you have not proven it yet). It did, however, force me to reexamine my views on a few things (marriage, sex, the media, etc.) even if only in brief.

One example they gave was a man on a business trip to NY. He meets a local in a bar. She invites him home. He shows her his wedding ring, and she doesn't care. They have a night of crazy hot sex and life goes on. Aside from the disease factor, I find myself asking what is inherently evil about that? They had sex. In a typical middle-class American marriage, truth would tear the marraige apart. But I am asking myself, is sex the most important thing we provide to a spouse? Is there nothing more sacred in a marriage that can hold a bond between two people? It is fair that seeking sex outside a marriage is held as criminal when married people go elsewhere to have their emotional or psychological needs met all of the time?

Lately new articles have been popping up about the phenomenon of the "emotional affair." So now, not only can we not seek sexual fulfillment outside marriage, but we cannot have our emotional needs met their either? This is the psychological equivalent to putting all your eggs in one basket. Is it fair to your spouse that you must run to them to fulfill your every need?

...I could go on and on about this. Every new thought brings new questions about the nature of relationships, the influence of the media, and (now) the American myth of personal independence.

I'll stop...for now.

Chatterbox

2007-07-24T10:40:00.000-05:00

This has no basis in magazine, internet or lit. This is from personal experience.

If you want to maintain a healthy long-lasting relationship, you must talk. I'm not refering to planning out where you're going for dinner or whose picking up the kids. I mean talking like you have all the time in the world for that other junk. Talk about religeon. Talk about politics. Talk about the fabulous new novel you just finished. Talk about your fascination with *whatever*. Talk about what makes you tick...what makes you who you are.

If you do not, one day you will wake up and realize that you have no idea who that guy/girl is that's in bed with you.

Make time for it. Plan dates that include chatting over coffee. Think of insightful or leading questions to ask your partner in order to trigger some great convo. Above all, be an active participant.

These talks help maintain intimacy. It is my firm belief that these talks make or break a relationship.

2007-05-29T21:06:00.000-05:00

Flirting or Cheating?

Ok ladies...I tend to agree with the guy on this one.

Basically, th eidea is...if you wouldn't want your partner doing it with someone else, you shouldn't be.

It is just nice to hear that from the male perspective. Sometimes it seems that we are both orbiting in separate universes. Maybe we aren't as different as we thought.

Breaking up via email

2007-05-11T22:10:00.000-05:00

Here is a Boston Globe article about ending relationships via email. I can't think of any situations in which dumping someone via email or instant messaging is ok, but I'd be interested to hear other people's experiences. Have you ever been dumped by email?

Getting into a new relationship without losing your mind.

2007-05-08T19:51:00.000-05:00

Here is a great article from the Edmonton Sun about not losing your mind when you get into a new relationship. There is good advice here about keeping your sense of self instead of becoming simply half of a couple, and she also makes good points about not rushing into things. It is really important to let a relationship bloom and grow naturally. Here is a great quote from the article:

"You may quickly usher your new crush to the front of the line, but remember the other people in your life - your family and friends, your sports, hobbies, interests and, generally, who you still are. It's easy to slip into identifying yourself as a half of a couple instead of two individuals with separate dynamic lives. The more whole you are yourself, the more you have to offer others – including that special someone."

Really good advice. Sometimes, though, it's just SO HARD! We've all been there-you're completely crazy in love, you both think you've found The One, and you can't stop thinking about the each other. You know you have to slow down, enjoy the newness of the relationship, and most importantly, hold on to your sense of self. But inevitably, you believe that your relationship is different. All that advice applies to normal relationships, not this special soul mate bond that you've formed. And inevutably, there is burn out. You spend every waking second together, and then wonder why you've run out of things to say to each other. From what I've seen, it's usually around the three month mark that this happens. So just remember, while your relationship is very special, it's not invulnerable. Allowing yourself to be your own person will help your relationship to grow. After all, it's YOU that your significant other fell in love with, not "half of a couple" you. That doesn't mean that you can't spend tons of time together, just make sure you aren't sacrificing too many things you really enjoy or too much time with friends. It reminds me from a great scene from the movie Practical Magic, where Gillian is trying to describe love to her young niece:

Gillian Owens: You ever put your arms out and spin really, really fast?
Antonia Owens: She does it all the time.
Gillian Owens: She does? Well, that's what love is like. It makes your heart race. It turns the world upside down. But if you're not careful, if you don't keep your eyes on something still, you can lose your balance. You can't see what's happening to the people around you. You can't see that you're about to fall.

So remember, if you want that new love to last forever, you have to make sure you keep your sense of self, and slow down and enjoy every stage of the relationship, instead of rushing through them.

What do you think is the most romantic song?

2007-05-07T19:25:00.000-05:00

This morning I was driving to an appointment, and "Maybe I'm Amazed" by Paul McCartney came on the radio. It made me think of my sweetie, and that was really nice on a stressful day. When I was in the waiting room, it came on again. So I really started thinking about it. It's such a great song, because it's not about some sort of fairy tale romance. It's about a real relationship. There's songs that are the musical equivalent of romance novels, fluffy and syrupy sweet, and then there are songs where someone spilled open their guts on the page and said what they really felt.

This got me to thinking, is this the most romantic song ever? Surely there are other candidates, and what's romantic to one person isn't to another. So what's your most romantic song ever?

Other possibilities:

Many, many things by The Cure (if you've ever been a broken hearted goth boy, then you might pick Boys Don't Cry)
Can't Help Falling in Love (is this originally by Elvis?)
Why Can't I by Liz Phair holds a special place in my heart, and I think it captures that beginning of a relationship, schoolgirl crush kind of feeling. I don't know if it's the most romantic EVER.
Stevie Wonder. Just about everything.

How to deal when your significant other has changed

2007-04-23T22:26:00.000-05:00

Here is the thing about love: it is never perfect. Even the most wonderful person in the world is going to have flaws. When you can accept them, flaws and all, that is love.

Sometimes people change. Maybe you've accepted all of your significant other's flaws, but years go by and new ones come up that you never would've accepted in the beginning. Sometimes the person you love is going to change for the worse. What do you do when the person you're with is not the person you fell in love with? In the immortal words of Kenny Rogers, "you gotta know when to hold 'em and know when to fold 'em."

Ask yourself, is this a change I can live with? Let's say you married a vegetarian hippie like yourself, but now he's eating steaks and his politics are decided by Toby Keith songs. Can the two of you have a relationship full of lively, respectful debate? Or have things become hostile and bitter as you realize you're not on the same page anymore. Even a change for the worse can be something you can adjust to in time, you just have to really be honest with yourself about how it will affect your relationship.

Temporary changes happen sometimes, and in this case I think you've got to stick by them and get them through it. If your normally happy girlfriend gradually becomes sad and withdrawn, she could have depression, and it's something you can try to help her out of. Encourage her to go to therapy or figure out what triggered it in the first place. If it's a temporary setback, your relationship may be fine, if not stronger, when you get over the rough patch. Temporary changes can be brought on by stress, depression, change in work status, or many other things. This is the time when your significant other needs you the most, but you need to confront them about how they've changed. Waiting for them to fix it ,when they may not have even realized what was happening, isn't fair to them. Things like depression can come on gradually, and they may not know what was wrong until you point out specific things that are different.

If it's a permanent change, then it's up to you to decide if it's time to leave. How will you know? Talk to them about it. Do they recognize that they've changed, that it wasn't a positive change, and they want to fix it? Then stick by them. If they keep saying they want to fix it, but given time make no real steps toward doing so, then it's time to reconsider. This is never easy. You want to believe that they are going to make the changes you want them to, and you still love them very much. But if they keep promising to try to fix thing s but they make no attempt to do so, that is a problem. If they are really trying but it's not working, it may still be salvageable. The difference is when they are really trying, or just giving you lip service to keep you around. That can be one of the hardest things to differentiate when you're looking at someone with loving eyes.

When you bring up the change you've noticed, are they hostile or defensive, or do they see what has changed as a positive? Then it's up to you to decide if you want to stay. You never know, the change that you perceive in their personality may even be a reaction to a change in yours that you weren't even aware of.

Are video game controllers ruining your relationship?

2007-04-17T20:27:00.000-05:00

Here is an article about the strain put on relationships from the plethora of video game controllers than many gamers own. The article likens girlfriends complaining that their boyfriend has too many controllers, to men complaining that their wives have too many shoes.

The amount of time and money spent on any sort of hobby or collection is the issue. I understand if a girl complains that her guy spends too much time gaming. In that case, when you bring home your shiny new DDR mat the first thing that pops into her head may be, "Yet ANOTHER game to take up his time!" Instead of complaining about the DDR mat, she needs to express what she's really feeling, in this case that her boyfriend spends too much time gaming instead of with her.

I also understand if a girl complains if that her guy just leaves the controllers all over the place. She probably has other issues with the house staying neat. I think video games always become an easy target for non-gamers, because they seem so frivolous. If the real issue is keeping the house neat, then thats what she needs to talk about, instead of complaining about the controllers.

If the time spent gaming isn't a problem, and the controllers are put away and organized, then I don't see what the problem is. If your girlfriend has a general disdain for gaming and is annoyed just because you bought another controller, then you might not be with the right person. Your significant other should respect your hobbies, even if he or she doesn't enjoy or understand them.

Having Standards that are Just Right

2007-04-11T20:07:00.000-05:00

Having standards while dating can be tricky business. If they are too low, you end up in one of those "What was I thinking?" situations, where you're with someone that is clearly not right for you. If you're standards are too high, you risk missing out on a lot of opportunities to spend time with great people.

As Lauryn Hill put it, "Respect is just the minimum." If your boyfriend or girlfriend does not respect you, it should be over right then and there. Basic respect means they don't belittle your opinions, they don't ignore your concerns, and as mentioned in a previous post, they don't tell you that your feelings are wrong. That doesn't mean they can't disagree with you, but there is a respectful way to do so. When your standards are too low, you may not see disrespect for what it really is. If you're putting up with someone who lies, cheats, ignores your feelings, or treats you with indifference, you need to raise your standards.

When your standards are too high, the only person it hurts is you. I think it's great to have an idea of the kind of person you're looking for, but be willing to try someone who isn't exactly your type. Are your deal breakers things that are close to your heart (like being an animal lover?) Or are they things that, down the line, won't really matter (like only dating girls with blond hair?) Something I posted about before is that when you are in love with someone, they become attractive to you. It's the way your brain is wired. Even if they weren't your type before, if you give them a chance and you develop that emotional bond, you'll find them attractive pretty quickly. That doesn't mean you should date someone you find repulsive, but giving someone a shot who doesn't fit your normal physical type is definitely worth it if there are other qualities you really like about him or her.

This is for the ladies. Specifically, the ladies that read romance novels. I work in a library, so I see quite a few of these every day. You are not going to marry any sort of prince. There are not tons of super sweet billionaire bachelors out there who are sick of dating starlets and are just looking for a nice Midwestern secretary. If you have an affair with some Greek doctor, he is not going to fall in love with you when he discovers that you're carrying his child. And you will not, I repeat WILL NOT, ever marry a sheik. We're keeping our standards and expectations in check here.

The situation I've seen happen time and time again is that people have really high expectations for the things that don't really matter in a relationship, and they are willing to accept anyone who meets them. The way he or she treats you should be the most important thing in a relationship. Who cares if he has money, if he's a jerk? Who cares if she's gorgeous if she constantly belittles you? Ladies out there who like bad boys, you know exactly what I'm talking about. He has tattoos, he rides a motorcycle, you fall in love. It's too bad he blows off dates with you, drinks too much, and is completely uninterested in anything you have to say. Meanwhile you met a great guy at a party, but you were too wrapped up in Mr. Leather Jacket to see it.

You'll likely never find someone who matches what you have pictured in your head exactly. If you learn when to bend your standards a little bit, and when to stick to them, you'll waste less time in go-nowhere relationships and have more opportunities to find real love.

Multi-gasmic Sex

2007-04-09T09:35:00.000-05:00

A recent magazine blurb has gotten me doing a bit of research on those old Kegel exercises. I found a great article here on how it helps improve the sexual experience of both partners.

Ladies...this is really important after having a kiddo...and it's keeps you from having a myriad of urinary/pelvic problems in your later years.

In the original piece that grab my attention on the topic, the recommendation was 30 - 50 per day.

Making Relationships Conscious

2007-04-06T20:50:00.000-05:00

"Intimacy is the realization that you have a profound effect on the other and treating that knowledge with the utmost respect."

This is from a great column from the Santa Barbara Independent about the importance of making relationships conscious. I know it sounds like new-age hippie stuff, but it's really good advice. I think its important to point out that a relationship is something you put effort into every single day. For some people it might be easy, but every relationship hits rough patches. If you put in the routine maintenance, a little bit each day, you'll get over the rough patches. If you don't put in the effort, the rough patches will tear you apart.
There is a follow up article called Making a Conscious Relationship Work. I want to pull out this quote:

"If you can't describe your feelings of anger, hurt or disappointment to your spouse because it is disallowed—through such typical maneuvers such as shaming or ignoring—then you are being emotionally abused and you don't have a viable relationship."

So completely and amazingly true. You need to be able to express your feelings to your significant other, no matter what, without fear of ridicule, and without being ignored. I will say that sometimes you might want to calm down and collect your thoughts before expressing yourself; screaming at someone won't get your point across as well as talking about something honestly but calmly. Honesty is the key though. While yelling and screaming are counterproductive, you also don't want to water down what you need to say. The right person will listen to you and give feedback. Don't accept anything less. The person who keeps everything bottled up inside can be just as destructive to a relationship as the person who is emotionally abusive. You've got to talk to your significant other when a problem arises, not six months later when the resentment has snowballed and you can't take it anymore. It's not fair to them, if they never even knew about the problem.

News links galore!

2007-03-29T12:17:00.000-05:00

Cheap dates! Looking for an inexpensive idea for your next date? From Zen Habits (via Lifehacker), ideas for romantic dates that don't cost too much. My favorites on the list are museums and festivals. Really, if a guy wants to take me on a great date, he can't beat the zoo. The zoo is probably the same or a bit more than going out to a movie, depending on where you live, but I think you get more for your money as far as planning a fun date.

For advice on being environmentally responsible, Ask Umbra over at Grist is the best. Recently she's covered both green weddings and keeping your sex life eco-friendly.

Baggage Reclaim has a list of "Eight Dating Mistakes to Avoid". There are a few here that I'm sure you've heard before, but you might need to hear again.

Feministing reports that birth control prices are going up on college campuses. It's something to be aware of if you're using a campus clinic to get your prescriptions.

Need another reason to practice safe sex? A recent survey shows that new parents lose up to 90 minutes of sleep per night, which over the course of a year, is equivalent to two months of sleepless ngihts.

Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Condoms

2007-03-26T21:00:00.000-05:00

Since our schools won't teach about them, and our leaders don't know much about them, it falls to me to bring you everything you ever needed to know about condoms!

First, the BBC provides information about many different forms of birth control. There is a lot of really good stuff here, it's definitely worth checking out!

Planned Parenthood has a really good section about birth control on their website. They include a list of what types of lubricants are and are not safe to use with latex condoms. This site is also worth checking out if you want to see what your different options are for birth control (there are more choices out there than you'd think.)

Wikipedia offers a bit of condom history.

And for all you creative types between the ages of 15-24, Advocates for Youth is sponsoring a contest to design an ad promoting condom use. Hurry, though, the contest ends April 1!

Long Distance Relationships!

2007-03-18T21:31:00.000-05:00

Here is an article about long distance relationships from the Boston Globe. The article discusses the factors that have led to more 20-somethings trying to maintain romantic relationships over long distances. One of the people they interviewed mentioned that all of the time spent talking and getting to know each other when they were apart made moving in together much easier, because they had already talked about a lot of issues that would come up later. I think this was definitely true in my case as well. Especially when you're going to move very far away to be with someone, you want to make sure there won't be too many unpleasant surprises when you move in. If you're considering moving a long way to be with the one you love, you should start talking about things like chores, bills, pets, all of your annoying habits, and anything else that might come up. Hate doing the dishes? Mentioning that now can avoid a fight later. Maybe if your potential live-in partner hates laundry, you can work out a trade.

If you're trying to do the long distance thing, I can not recommend purchasing a web cam enough. It's really nice to be able to see someone while you're talking to them. Eyejot is a new service that can add another use for your web cam. It lets you send short web cam videos in email. It's completely web-based, so you don't have to download any sort of software to use it. When I tried it, the video worked immediately. However, it took me a bit to get the audio working. That might be because I'm completely incompetent with computer audio, though! This would be great for long distance couples to send each other video emails. Even if you aren't far away from each other, you could use Eyejot to send each other funny little messages whenever you want. (via Lifehacker)

From the Village Voice, the story of how a BDSM relationship ended up in federal court. The article points out that this case would be much different had the charges been filed with the local police, instead of the US Attorney.

The Queen of England shows that she considers couples who are unmarried but living together to be essentially married. As half of a cohabitating couple, I think that's a pretty cool recognition of today's changing lifestyles.

Birth Control Myths, Gamers Getting Dates, and Dating Sites for Everyone

2007-03-15T20:49:00.000-05:00

From CNN, 10 Myths About the Pill Busted! (via Feministing)
The article mentions that the pill doesn't make migraines worse, and I think that is a little tricky. It can be a migraine trigger, and that is something that women should be aware of.

I found an interesting piece on Joystiq today (its a gaming news site, for you non-nerds.) Evidently, the denizens of Digg are convinced that playing World of Warcraft can't help you get a girlfriend. I can safely say, after moving four states away to be with a man I met on WoW, the folks at Digg are wrong on this one.

Looking for unique dating sites? Check out the list put together on Girl Dates London.

Falling in love in Rome, lights on or off, and being happy and single!

2007-03-13T19:16:00.000-05:00

How do you express your love in Rome? By hanging a padlock on an ancient bridge, and throwing the key into the river. I don't know what I love about this story more, the fact that it's a brand new trend on the most ancient bridge in the city, or the fact that it was spurred by two recent books. I love when reading a book makes people go out and *do* something.

A blogger ponders the eternal question: Do you turn the lights off or keep them on during sex?
I think I agree with this blogger, I don't have a preference as long as it's not harsh, artificial fluorescent lighting. No one looks sexy under those lights!

This is a really good article about being happy with being single. Have a friend who is complaining about not being in a relationship? Send them this link! I especially like the part about taking time while you're single to figure out where you've gone wrong in past relationships, and take care of some emotional baggage.

My doctor is an idiot

2007-03-08T13:02:00.000-05:00

I know I've been AWOL as of late. I apologize and will be making efforts to be more active in the blog.

In searching Yahoo News for articles on sex, I came across
this study on the effects of oral contraceptives on sexuality and well-being.

As you may or may not know, this is something that has recently hit close to him.

I am going to print this baby off and sent it to my former OB/GYN...

Three How-To Articles

2007-03-03T16:49:00.000-05:00

I just came across this very funny video entitled How to Be the Perfect Girlfriend. It's funny because its true!

Have you ever felt awkward about giving compliments? How to Give a Good Compliment is a quick guide to giving compliments that will flatter the person receiving them. One thing I would add to this guide, is don't give compliments that aren't genuine. People know the difference between saying something because you really noticed, and saying something because you wanted something nice to say. For example, saying "That's a great shirt!" when you really find it hideous, will never come across as genuine.

From Joystiq, a link to a WikiHow article on How to Get Your Girlfriend to Play Videogames. Now, I like the idea of more girls playing video games, and I like the idea of couples trying out each other's hobbies. This article kind of pissed me off a little though. I feel like when we describe it as "How to get your girlfriend to," it's continuing the myth that girls don't like video games. Maybe the reason girls don't like video games is simply because we keep continuing that myth. Maybe if we didn't describe it in those terms, more girls would feel like it's okay for them to enjoy video games.

Also, I've known many a girl who resented video games, because she had often felt ignored by a boyfriend who was playing them. So if you're significant other hates games and you love them, make sure you aren't ignoring him or her to play games, because you'll just be making their hatred worse. It is also entirely possible that he or she already holds a resentment for gaming, because they previously dated a gamer who ignored them, even if you don't. It's just something to keep in mind.

If I was a gamer who wanted to get my significant other into gaming, my first stop would be the arcade. Try a place like Dave and Buster's with a big variety of games. You can even win tickets to get prizes on some of them. Have your S.O try a bunch of games to see what they like. Your girlfriend spends $10 playing House of the Dead? Maybe she would be willing to play Resident Evil or even Counterstrike.

Book Review- He Comes Next by Ian Kerner

2007-03-03T00:08:00.000-05:00

I just finished (like literally 5 minutes ago) reading He Comes Next: The Thinking Woman's Guide to Pleasuring a Man by Ian Kerner. I was skeptical, but it was actually pretty good. He has also written She Comes First, and Be Honest, You're Not That Into Him Either. The title might make you think its just a how-to guide for giving better blow jobs, but fear not! Its actually a really good overview of male sexuality. I will say I take any sort of gender generalizations with a grain of salt. Not all men have trouble expressing their emotions, not all women love to cuddle after sex. So when reading this book, I would keep your particular man in mind. The book is definitely geared towards those in long term relationships. It often deals with how to put the desire back into your love life after it has waned. It talks a lot about some of the brain chemistry that I mentioned in my previous post, as well as building real intimacy. Depending on your relationship, you may feel like you've already progressed passed some of the topics mentioned, but I think it could be beneficial to anyone in a committed relationship.

Book Review: The Secret Lives of Men and Women

2007-03-02T21:28:00.000-05:00

On a whim yesterday, I picked up one of the PostSecret books at the library. This one is called The Secret Lives of Men and Women. If you are unfamiliar with PostSecret, the concept is simple. People mail in post cards on which they have written their secrets. They are posted on the website, and have been compiled into three books so far. Many of the postcards are handmade collages. The secrets people send in vary from "I rescheduled a business conference so I wouldn't miss my dogs birthday," to "I've been with my wife for 20 years and she doesn't know who I am." They are funny, heartbreaking, and disturbing, sometimes all on the same page.

Why am I reviewing this book here? Why havn't I been reading more books that will help you meet the person of your dreams? Because if you want to understand people and relationships, this book is an excellent place to start.

Are text messages and TV the bane of relationships?

2007-02-28T22:06:00.000-05:00

Do you use text messaging or other technology to avoid serious conversations? Here is an article talking about the importance of face-to-face conversations in the digital age. It points out that texting shouldn't be used as a way out of a real conversation that you don't want to have. I agree with that point, but I would add that its better to text about something than never discuss it at all. Quietly stewing about something is far worse than having a text conversation about it. Personally, I hate texting on phones- it takes too long. I've had plenty of important conversations via instant messaging or email, though.

In the latest "Blame Television for the Downfall of Civilization" news, studies show that people are more disengaged from those around them when the TV is on. Does this mean you should take the TV out of your bedroom? The article does point out that it depends on how people use the TV. Do you turn the TV on to drown out your partner, or do you watch together and talk about the shows? It can be a nice way to relax together if its something you both enjoy. If you're using it to zone out and ignore your partner, then there are likely problems in the relationship that can't be solved just by taking the TV out of the bedroom.

A very sad, touching article from BBC News about an Israeli woman and a Palestinian man in love.

A woman talks about sexuality and Buddhism in a post from BuddhistGeeks.com.

Diaphragms, Office Relationships, and Eco-Friendly Sex!

2007-02-26T21:59:00.000-05:00

The diaphragm might not be the most popular birth control, but it has potential to help prevent aids in Africa.

Twenty-somethings are more comfortable dating coworkers than their older counterparts.

Love the environment? Love sex? How to Green Your Sex Life! There is a ton of information here! From eco-friendly sex toys to vegan condoms, everything you possibly ever wanted to know about environmentally friendly sex is here.

Things in the news...

2007-02-25T22:20:00.000-05:00

First it was sex toy parties, now its pole dancing! Both of these industries follow the same model of the Tupperware party. A representative comes and shows the products in your home to you and your friends. In the case of the pole dancing party, they show you basic pole dancing moves, and they sell the poles and instructional DVDs.

A BBC online poll declares Angelina Jolie the sexiest person EVER.

This does not seem like a particularly large or in-depth study, but researchers say that people watching sexy TV shows (like Sex and the City) don't remember the commercials as well as those watching non-sexy shows.

107 year old man ponders whether abstinence is the secret of his longevity.

Crazy laws in Tennessee, and Wired Magazine!

2007-02-20T23:12:00.000-05:00

Here are a couple of links about the law proposed in Tennessee, which would require death certificates for aborted fetuses. From Yahoo, and Feministing.

I'm a big fan of Wired magazine, so here is a link to a great article on Wired's website about staying educated about sex. I didn't know they had a sex column on their site, its really good stuff! Definitely worth checking out.

Dinosaurs on Marriage

2007-02-20T23:10:00.001-05:00

You know a marriage really is like owning a gameboy!

Communication

2007-02-20T23:05:00.000-05:00

Let's talk about TALKING! I really really really REALLY believe that this is the most important thing in a relationship. Here are a few tips on communicating with your significant other!

Different styles of communication:

I don't like gender generalizations, but here is one that I have heard repeated quite often (I believe the first place I heard it was John Gray of Men are from Mars... fame). Women tend to want to talk to their significant other to express their feelings. They don't necessarily want you to do anything about it, they just want you to know how they feel. Men on the other hand, want to fix things. When their significant other expresses a concern to them, they want to know what they can do to make it better. Now I'm sure there are people on both sides that have both traits. I am a woman, but I know that I am definitely a "How can I fix this?" person when someone I know is upset. Its just something to keep in mind when communicating with your significant other. Maybe if they are a "How can I fix this?" person, you can tell them, "I don't need you to do anything, I just want to tell you how I feel."

Letting it all out:

Were you ever upset about something, but you didn't want to tell someone about it? Maybe you thought your feelings were irrational, or maybe you just didn't want to talk about it. Or maybe you were just really, really angry but you didn't want to get in a fight. So, you kept it all on the inside. Maybe your significant other asked what was wrong, and you said "Nothing." Maybe they even asked about the particular thing that really was bothering you, and you said, "No, I'm fine." But it wasn't fine. And maybe a week later, you blew up at them about it? This was something that was brought up to me recently as an "It drives me crazy when women do this..." sort of thing, but again I don't think it's necessarily a gender issue. I have dealt with men with a similar habit. So when something is wrong, you should tell your significant other. EVEN IF you think its silly. You can say, "I feel like this is kind of silly, but it still bothered me..." If you don't want to get into it because you think you're going to get in a fight, then just rationally think it through. Why are you upset specifically? What, if anything, could your significant other do to fix it, or to prevent you from being upset next time? Maybe you don't want them to do anything. You might even say something like, "I know this shouldn't bother me, and I don't want you to change anything, but this upset me in this way..." It's especially important to open up and talk about it if the person asks you "Is this why you're upset?" They probably know you well enough to know that is what is bothering you, and they want to try to fix it. If you lie and tell them that that isn't what is bothering you when it is, its going to make them angry when they find out the truth, and it will make any situation far worse.

Talking doesn't have to mean talking:

Talking things through is really good for your relationship, and you probably already knew that. But what if you aren't comfortable talking? Personally, I'm very shy and I always have been. So my conversational skills are not the greatest. I have experienced many a situation in which I want to express my opinion about something, but my mind goes completely blank. So instead of an eloquent argument for why I was offended by some sexist comment, what comes out is, "Well, yes, it was too sexist! Because obviously it was hateful towards women! You aren't a woman so you don't get it! That guy sucks!" As you can see, it is not a very well thought out, articulate argument.

So, sometimes I don't want to talk about something. In some cases, I write about it. While conversation is always best (eye contact, body language, all sorts of reasons), if you are uncomfortable with it, then I say writing is okay too. Here is a secret about me: I have emailed my boyfriend from another room. Shocking, I know! To think, she who blogs about relationships and communication could possibly be shy about having a simple conversation! But I've found once or twice that it was much easier to just get all of my thoughts out in a coherent fashion in an email than to try to sputter them out, while that deer-in-headlights feeling comes over me. An email or a letter can be a great way to start a conversation too. Get it all out in writing, and then talk about it after your S.O. reads it. You need to have some decent communication between the two of you for this to work, though. Really, talking about things as much as possible is best.

Another way you can use writing to communicate is when you want to express gratitude, appreciation, love, or any other positives to your honey. Leaving a note on their desk thanking them for an extra special weekend will make them feel wonderful.

Ok...so there is a little religion...

2007-02-19T10:00:00.000-05:00

My cousin recently loaned me a book titled The Power of a Praying Wife among a couple other books by Stormie O’Martian. I’m not going to get into the religious aspects here, but there is something I found interesting in what her methods do to cause change in the relationship.

The purpose of the book is to cause healing in a troubled marriage through prayer. Instead of praying for yourself/your marriage, the book asks that you pray for your husband instead. It pulls your focus off of your own desires and forces you to look at your partner. Praying for someone, in general, causes you to have more patience, understanding, compassion and affection toward that person. It also reduces conflict because it asks the wife to turn to prayer instead of reacting negatively when the husband is being a tool. It basically breaks the cycle of conflict.

Ok. I got that. But what I REALLY found interesting is that the very first thing you are told to pray for is your husband’s wife. In essence, you are praying for yourself only after taking your own selfish desires out of the equation. You are praying for God to help you become a better person the way He wants you to be, not the way you want to be. While that may seem strange to a non-believer, it seems to me to be a key element of a happy relationship. You don’t have to be religious to have a successful relationship but you do need to be unselfish in your love for your partner.

For a lot of people in failing marriages, that it a revolutionary concept.
…
On a personal note, I have been praying for my hubby in the aspects she advises, not because our marriage is failing but because I want to keep it from getting there. On Saturday the topic was to pray for his work (that he not be lazy or a workaholic, that he find balance, that he only does “good” work, etc.). He ended up getting reamed by his manager that evening because he was working on a personal project when he had work to do. It may not seem like the answer to my prayer until you know how much his projects have been interfering in our relationship. When he came home he was talking about how he realize that he was letting these projects distract him from doing what he should be doing blah blah blah…which is EXACTLY what I had been trying to make him see for the last couple of months…

Maybe there is something to all of this…*shrug*

New Blog Feed!

2007-02-17T19:18:00.000-05:00

Using a feed reader to read this blog? Here is the new feed. It should fix the problem of links not showing up properly in posts. And if you aren't using a feed reader, I highly suggest you try out Google Reader if you read a lot of blogs every day, especially if you spend a lot of time checking blogs that aren't updated every day.

Why do fools fall in love? Neurotransmitters!

2007-02-16T18:36:00.000-05:00

Ever wonder what causes you to fall madly in love? Chances are neurotransmitters like dopamine in your brain had something to do with it. Here's some info about how these chemicals affect romance:

First an article from CNN. Researchers looked at MRIs of people who were in love to find out what exactly happens in the brain. There is a very interesting point about love and lust affecting seperate areas of the brain.

Next, a special section from BBC about "The Science of Love". Like the CNN article, this one also points out that love's affect on the brain is similar to that of cocaine.

Here is an article from a very cool site called Your Amazing Brain that details what your brain is going through during the three stages of a relationship: lust, attraction, and attachment.

Interested in more about why we fall in love the way we do? A lot of things I read on the subject mentioned Helen Fisher's book, Why We Love. Especially check it out if you're interested in the three stages of relationships.

Links on narcissism, attachment, and YOU'RE NOT FAT!

2007-02-15T19:02:00.001-05:00

Here's a good article about dating a narcissist.

How early social experiences affect relationships later in life.

Everyone who feels unattractive or too fat - this one is for you! I bet at some point in your life, someone told you that charm and confidence is always more important than looks. Well, I'm telling you again.

Can feeling insecure in relationships weaken your immune system?

For Valentine's Day

2007-02-15T19:02:00.000-05:00

Prehistoric lovers found locked in eternal embrace. From CNN. A pair of skeletons from the neolithic era were found by archaelogists. What makes them unique is that they appear to be hugging eachother. Star-crossed lovers, together even in death?They were found near Verona, Italy, the setting for Romeo and Juliet.

Hope everyone had a great Valentine's day!

Blind Faith

2007-02-09T14:36:00.000-05:00

Ladies, just wanted to throw out a warning to those on birth control pills.

After experiencing some negative symptoms (generally acting loopy), and hearing that other women had as well, I contacted my (male) OB/GYN regarding a change to my perscription. He *claimed* that the symptoms had never been associated with birth control.

My experiences, and those of three other young women, convinced me otherwise.

Apologies Keep Love Going, Sex in America, and more!

2007-02-07T00:59:00.000-05:00

Here is a really good article about why its important in relationships to learn to apologize. I think "I'm sorry", "Please", and "Thank You" are words we don't use enough when dealing with the people we love.

There are a collection of interesting articles on MSNBC about sex in America.

An article on taking relationships to the next level. I like that they talked to different people to get different points of view, but there are so many rules! I hate rules! " Don't ask him out", "introduce him to your friends after this many dates", etc etc. Whatever. When its the right person, you won't need those rules!!

Book Review - Offbeat Bride

2007-02-05T23:00:00.000-05:00

I just finished reading Offbeat Bride: Taffeta-Free Alternatives for Independent Brides by Ariel Meadow Stallings. It is AWESOME. Here is the thing, I hate weddings. HATE THEM. Yet sometime in the near future I'll be getting married. So how does one reconcile her independent bad-ass self with the nightmare that is the Wedding Industrial Complex? Stallings interviews many "offbeat brides" and shares the details about her own non-traditional wedding to help you plan your own. This book doesn't list "how-to"s so much as give you the benefit of experience and inspire you to think outside the box. If bridal magazines are all the same old boring shit to you, then read this book! I think the best thing that she points out is that people like going to non-traditional weddings. Who wants to go to the same old church affair that you could quote from memory? Especially among folks around that age where it seems like there is a wedding to go to every couple months, a non-traditional wedding is simply more fun! I definitely recommend this book to anyone with a wedding in their future, and I especially recommend reading it *before* you immerse yourself in bridal magazines and weddingchannel.com.

2007-02-01T16:00:00.000-05:00

For kicks I occassionally read articles in the men's section of MSN Lifestyle. I had read through an article on Valentine's Day gift-giving, when I ran across this.

The Scientific Way to Pick Up Chicks

I almost lost it at the DDB part...and when I got the the phone rules I literally burst out laughing. I cracked up so hard my boss asked me to send her a link.

It's so funny because it's so true...although I'm not so sure about the seven hour rule. A man has got to send a lot more than seven hours with me if he wants a piece.

Bust magazine Feb/Mar issue - on dating and weddings!

2007-01-22T11:01:00.000-05:00

You, reading this right now. Go to your local book store and get the Feb./Mar. issue of Bust magazine. NOW! There two articles I want to highlight here. One is which debunks those pesky dating myths that keep everyone miserable in their relationships. The article cites studies that indicate that YES WOMEN CAN ASK MEN OUT ON A DATE! If it is backed up by science, will you all finally believe me? Another revelation - it is ok for a woman to pay for a date! This one is tricky ladies, because there will definitely be guys out there who want to pay for everything. I don't trust those guys personally. It makes me feel like I'm going to owe them something later. I've always felt that the person who did the asking or picked where you're going should pay. My other favorite myth from this article is that men don't like to date smart women. The article debunks some recently cited studies, and shows that men do in fact like smart women. So girls - It's ok to ask guys out, to pay for dates sometimes, and to be intelligent! Why, in the 21st century should I even feel the need to reiterate these points?!?

The other article I absolutely adore from this issue is about the history of being a bridesmaid. I've decided that when I get married the wedding will be more than a touch on the non-traditional side, because I hate weddings. I hate them. Mine will have no bouquet toss, definitely no garter toss, no candle lighting ceremony, none of that. It'll have an open bar and a document to legalize what I already know. Oh yeah, and a cake shaped like a pirate ship.

This article from Bust points out that what we think of the traditional wedding in America was really an idea created in the 1800's, mostly by merchants and people wanting to show off their status. Weddings were not the big deal they are now before then. And all that wedding etiquette crap? Invented in the 1930's. Oh yeah, and De Beers invented the "custom" of the diamond engagement ring.

Why do I love this article so much? I've never been someone who respects doing something just because "That's the way it has ALWAYS been done". Now I hope you see that some of these things are definitely not the way things have always been done, and you can feel a little more freedom if you're planning a wedding. Make it about you and the person you love, not about what you think a wedding is supposed to be like.

He's Just Not that Into You

2007-01-22T10:48:00.000-05:00

So I've just read He's Just Not that Into You, and I really was not that into it. They lost me in the first chapter, when that dating rule that just won't die came up: A woman should never EVER ask a man out first. *sigh* Sweetie, if a man is going to be somehow offended or turned off by you having the guts to ask him out, do you really want to go out with him? (This myth is debunked in the latest issue of Bust, which we shall get to later). Personally I'd rather ask and know if he was into me and get on with my life, instead of playing this "I like you but that fact that I have ovaries prevents me from asking you out for coffee" game.

The rest of the book is ok, but should be common sense. Obviously you don't want to date married men, guys who only want to hang out if there is drinking involved, men who are sleeping around, etc.

There is some good advice about the guy who you're sort of seeing but isn't really your boyfriend, the guy who never wants to get married, and others. The overall theme of getting rid of the guy giving you mixed messages or making you miserable is a good one, but sticking to stale dating myths makes this book out-of-date.

Laughter Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

2007-01-19T21:47:00.000-05:00

Here is an article about how laughing together can improve your relationship. The study found that couples who reminisced about laughing together felt closer. I think finding someone who makes you laugh is one of the most important things when you're out there dating. The really happy couples I've met always have inside jokes and things that make them start cracking up.

A recent advice column from The Red and Black, an independent student newspaper from UGA. The second one touches on one of my pet peeves - trying to change the person you love. You can't do it! You can help them better themselves, but only if they want to. You will never ever ever be able to take someone and mold them into the person you want them to be. Ever. I like this quote from the article: "Yes, you might be able to persuade him to change - love is a hell of a motivator - but you should know that real love is loving someone for exactly who they are (imperfections included), not changing them into someone you can love more easily. People who truly change do so by their own volition, not external pressure." I love it.

Help me meet girls!!

2007-01-15T14:51:00.000-05:00

Ok guys I promised I would give you some good tips for meeting single women! I wanted to get you a lot of good stuff so this is not just things I though of, I also interviewed a girl who is single and out on the dating scene to get you some tips. Gals-feel free to add your own tips in the comments.

1. Let's say you see a girl you'd like to meet in a bar, but you're not sure what to say. Tip number 1 is SAY ANYTHING. Yes, its quite possible she won't like you, and there is even a chance you'll make a fool of yourself. But there's also a chance you'll strike up a conversation and meet a great girl. That definitely won't happen if you never try.

2. Little things like opening the car door for her can go a long way. I think sometimes guys think that things like that will offend some of us modern feminists. You can be a gentleman without being overly chivalrous. Offering her your umbrella=good. Offering to kick the crap out of the guy checking her out from across the bar=bad.

3. Be interested in HER. So lets say you've gotten up the guts to go talk to her. Don't be looking around at other girls, or talking to everyone else in the bar. You wanted to talk to her so bad, so talk to just her. If you do this, and she doesn't seem interested then move on, but make sure you've tried this first.

4. SMILE! You'll seem happier, friendlier, and most people look more attractive when they smile.

5. Have a real conversation. It's not a job interview. Just have a nice friendly conversation, not stream of vital statistics questions. Let those things come up naturally and you'll feel like you're "clicking" a lot more.

How do you tell if she's even interested?
-She wants to continue the conversation.
-She's smiling, laughing, and maybe even hair flipping (yes I will admit to this one).
-She's making hints for you to take her number or ask her out.
-If you still aren't sure, you'll just have to ask her if she'd like to go out sometime.

And yes some girls may still expect you as the guy to be the one to ask them out first. Plus even if its not a gender role thing, she may just be nervous about it. But now that you have all these great tips, you aren't going to be nearly as nervous, are you?

On contraceptives, shoeboxes, and coffee

2007-01-15T13:42:00.000-05:00

A new study shows that oral contraceptives don't usually lower sex drive. It does mention "only a small minority of oral contraceptive users experienced a negative effect on sexuality", but that they could not pinpoint anything specific that was causing it.

An article I really liked about the things we keep from past relationships. Do you tend to keep little mementos from previous relationships? I'm usually a toss it/burn it/flush it kind of girl, but I do have a few things.

Star Tribune article about the coffee shop being the place for internet daters to meet in person. (My first in-person meeting with the guy I met online was at the airport. We now live together so it really does work!)

2007-01-08T15:04:00.001-05:00

I am a big Cosmo fan so expect a few from the big C:

Here is a good one on using the five senses to enhance your man's sexual experience.

The'>http://magazines.ivillage.com/cosmopolitan/men/menu/articles/0,,426361_675621-1,00.html"> The Sex He Craves
Some of it is old news, but there were a couple of things I hadn't heard before.

2007-01-08T15:04:00.000-05:00

I am a big Cosmo fan so expect a few from the big C:

Here is a good one on using the five senses to enhance your man's sexual experience.

http://magazines.ivillage.com/cosmopolitan/men/menu/articles/0,,426361_675621-1,00.html

Some of it is old news, but there were a couple of things I hadn't heard before.

Relationships of all types

2007-01-06T23:17:00.000-05:00

Here is a short but good article on relationships of all kinds from the Chicago-Sun Times. The point about giving your partner genuine thank-yous and compliments every single day is really important!

The Healthy Penis

2006-12-27T13:46:00.000-05:00

On the drive into the office this morning I heard a news blurb on the radio regarding San Fran’s “Healthy Penis” ad campaign. Apparently this new VD-Ed ad campaign consists of billboards, and other public media, portraying a giant cartoon penis wearing a raincoat.

According to the news report, studies have found statistically the amount of cases of VD has been dramatically reduced since the campaign began. They also mentioned that other major cities are considering taking on the campaign.

After I was able to curb my laughing fit, I wondered if the penis had, in fact, made an impact…
Thoughts?

What makes you a woman?

2006-10-02T15:29:00.000-05:00

I was reading this article from womensenews.org last night, and it really steamed my broccoli. The author is arguing against the use of birth control to completely skip having periods. I agree with her that any new drug, or new use of an old drug, needs lots of study to make sure its safe. However I vehemently disagree with her reasons why women should not use these methods to skip their periods. I disagree that the menstrual cycle is "the foundation of women's being". Bleeding once a month is not what makes me a woman or a complete person. It doesn't remind me of my womanhood, I didn't need the reminder in the first place.

I also disagree with the assertion that "Women have been so overwhelmed with negative messages about the inconvenience of menstruation we are willing to take a synthetic chemical cocktail to eliminate the monthly cycle, the foundation of our womanhood." It wasn't TV commercials and magazine articles that told me having a period is inconvenient, it just IS inconvenient.

So if you had the option for a safe, effective way to suppress menstruation, would you do it? And if not, why?

Sex Toys Banned in Texas

2006-10-02T15:21:00.000-05:00

A Texas law banning the sale or manufacture of sex toys will stay on the books, after the supreme court rejected an appeal challenging the law. The article mentions a similar law here in Georgia, but there are sex toy shops down here. I think they can get away with selling them here if they say they are "novelties" and not actually for sexual purposes. The fact that not only did someone choose to legislate this, but it got all the way to the supreme court without getting shot down deeply disturbs me about the sexual culture in America. I mean, if you are so uptight about sex that not only do you think sex toys are wrong, but you refuse to let other people use them, then you've got some major sexual issues to deal with.

A few news links for you all

2006-09-26T13:48:00.000-05:00

Trojan Condoms has sponsored a study about access to sexual health resources on college campuses. They've ranked colleges based on access to information (University of Michigan is #2.)

Michigan is considering requiring girls entering the 6th grade to get the HPV vaccine. HPV is a s sexually transmitted virus that causes cervical cancer. Some parents on the crazy radical right don't want their daughters vaccinated against HPV because they think it sends the message that sex is ok. Hopefully, a law will encourage more of them to get their kids the vaccine. It would take a pretty awful person to risk their child getting cancer just to show them sex is wrong. Heaven forbid you just talk openly with your kids about your personal beliefs!

Here is a great opinion piece from Texas State University about a new Domestic Abuse hotline for teens. The author suggests adding information about domestic abuse to teen sex ed classes. Those of you who know me probably know that the sorry state of sex ed in this country is one of my biggest pet peeves.

I've been saying for a long time that the far right wingers were going to attack contraception just as they have been attacking abortion. Some of you thought that was a slippery slope argument. Here is a Chicago Tribune article about the new war on contraception. Hopefully, this will backfire in their faces and make them lose ground on abortion too. Earth to fundies: when you start trying to tell married couples that they can only have sex to make babies, you lose a lot of support.