Communication
Let's talk about TALKING! I really really really REALLY believe that this is the most important thing in a relationship. Here are a few tips on communicating with your significant other!Different styles of communication:
I don't like gender generalizations, but here is one that I have heard repeated quite often (I believe the first place I heard it was John Gray of Men are from Mars... fame). Women tend to want to talk to their significant other to express their feelings. They don't necessarily want you to do anything about it, they just want you to know how they feel. Men on the other hand, want to fix things. When their significant other expresses a concern to them, they want to know what they can do to make it better. Now I'm sure there are people on both sides that have both traits. I am a woman, but I know that I am definitely a "How can I fix this?" person when someone I know is upset. Its just something to keep in mind when communicating with your significant other. Maybe if they are a "How can I fix this?" person, you can tell them, "I don't need you to do anything, I just want to tell you how I feel."
Letting it all out:
Were you ever upset about something, but you didn't want to tell someone about it? Maybe you thought your feelings were irrational, or maybe you just didn't want to talk about it. Or maybe you were just really, really angry but you didn't want to get in a fight. So, you kept it all on the inside. Maybe your significant other asked what was wrong, and you said "Nothing." Maybe they even asked about the particular thing that really was bothering you, and you said, "No, I'm fine." But it wasn't fine. And maybe a week later, you blew up at them about it? This was something that was brought up to me recently as an "It drives me crazy when women do this..." sort of thing, but again I don't think it's necessarily a gender issue. I have dealt with men with a similar habit. So when something is wrong, you should tell your significant other. EVEN IF you think its silly. You can say, "I feel like this is kind of silly, but it still bothered me..." If you don't want to get into it because you think you're going to get in a fight, then just rationally think it through. Why are you upset specifically? What, if anything, could your significant other do to fix it, or to prevent you from being upset next time? Maybe you don't want them to do anything. You might even say something like, "I know this shouldn't bother me, and I don't want you to change anything, but this upset me in this way..." It's especially important to open up and talk about it if the person asks you "Is this why you're upset?" They probably know you well enough to know that is what is bothering you, and they want to try to fix it. If you lie and tell them that that isn't what is bothering you when it is, its going to make them angry when they find out the truth, and it will make any situation far worse.
Talking doesn't have to mean talking:
Talking things through is really good for your relationship, and you probably already knew that. But what if you aren't comfortable talking? Personally, I'm very shy and I always have been. So my conversational skills are not the greatest. I have experienced many a situation in which I want to express my opinion about something, but my mind goes completely blank. So instead of an eloquent argument for why I was offended by some sexist comment, what comes out is, "Well, yes, it was too sexist! Because obviously it was hateful towards women! You aren't a woman so you don't get it! That guy sucks!" As you can see, it is not a very well thought out, articulate argument.
So, sometimes I don't want to talk about something. In some cases, I write about it. While conversation is always best (eye contact, body language, all sorts of reasons), if you are uncomfortable with it, then I say writing is okay too. Here is a secret about me: I have emailed my boyfriend from another room. Shocking, I know! To think, she who blogs about relationships and communication could possibly be shy about having a simple conversation! But I've found once or twice that it was much easier to just get all of my thoughts out in a coherent fashion in an email than to try to sputter them out, while that deer-in-headlights feeling comes over me. An email or a letter can be a great way to start a conversation too. Get it all out in writing, and then talk about it after your S.O. reads it. You need to have some decent communication between the two of you for this to work, though. Really, talking about things as much as possible is best.
Another way you can use writing to communicate is when you want to express gratitude, appreciation, love, or any other positives to your honey. Leaving a note on their desk thanking them for an extra special weekend will make them feel wonderful.
Labels: communication
posted by Mia @ 11:05 PM
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