Chatterbox
This has no basis in magazine, internet or lit. This is from personal experience.
If you want to maintain a healthy long-lasting relationship, you must talk. I'm not refering to planning out where you're going for dinner or whose picking up the kids. I mean talking like you have all the time in the world for that other junk. Talk about religeon. Talk about politics. Talk about the fabulous new novel you just finished. Talk about your fascination with *whatever*. Talk about what makes you tick...what makes you who you are.
If you do not, one day you will wake up and realize that you have no idea who that guy/girl is that's in bed with you.
Make time for it. Plan dates that include chatting over coffee. Think of insightful or leading questions to ask your partner in order to trigger some great convo. Above all, be an active participant.
These talks help maintain intimacy. It is my firm belief that these talks make or break a relationship.
Labels: communication, love, marriage, relationships
Breaking up via email
Here is a Boston Globe article about
ending relationships via email. I can't think of any situations in which dumping someone via email or instant messaging is ok, but I'd be interested to hear other people's experiences. Have you ever been dumped by email?
Labels: communication, relationships
How to deal when your significant other has changed
Here is the thing about love: it is never perfect. Even the most wonderful person in the world is going to have flaws. When you can accept them, flaws and all, that is love.
Sometimes people change. Maybe you've accepted all of your significant other's flaws, but years go by and new ones come up that you never would've accepted in the beginning. Sometimes the person you love is going to change for the worse. What do you do when the person you're with is not the person you fell in love with? In the immortal words of Kenny Rogers, "you gotta know when to hold 'em and know when to fold 'em."
Ask yourself, is this a change I can live with? Let's say you married a vegetarian hippie like yourself, but now he's eating steaks and his politics are decided by Toby Keith songs. Can the two of you have a relationship full of lively, respectful debate? Or have things become hostile and bitter as you realize you're not on the same page anymore. Even a change for the worse can be something you can adjust to in time, you just have to really be honest with yourself about how it will affect your relationship.
Temporary changes happen sometimes, and in this case I think you've got to stick by them and get them through it. If your normally happy girlfriend gradually becomes sad and withdrawn, she could have depression, and it's something you can try to help her out of. Encourage her to go to therapy or figure out what triggered it in the first place. If it's a temporary setback, your relationship may be fine, if not stronger, when you get over the rough patch. Temporary changes can be brought on by stress, depression, change in work status, or many other things. This is the time when your significant other needs you the most, but you need to confront them about how they've changed. Waiting for them to fix it ,when they may not have even realized what was happening, isn't fair to them. Things like depression can come on gradually, and they may not know what was wrong until you point out specific things that are different.
If it's a permanent change, then it's up to you to decide if it's time to leave. How will you know? Talk to them about it. Do they recognize that they've changed, that it wasn't a positive change, and they want to fix it? Then stick by them. If they keep saying they want to fix it, but given time make no real steps toward doing so, then it's time to reconsider. This is never easy. You want to believe that they are going to make the changes you want them to, and you still love them very much. But if they keep promising to try to fix thing s but they make no attempt to do so, that is a problem. If they are really trying but it's not working, it may still be salvageable. The difference is when they are really trying, or just giving you lip service to keep you around. That can be one of the hardest things to differentiate when you're looking at someone with loving eyes.
When you bring up the change you've noticed, are they hostile or defensive, or do they see what has changed as a positive? Then it's up to you to decide if you want to stay. You never know, the change that you perceive in their personality may even be a reaction to a change in yours that you weren't even aware of.
Labels: communication, love, relationships
Making Relationships Conscious
"Intimacy is the realization that you have a profound effect on the other and treating that knowledge with the utmost respect."
This is from a great column from the
Santa Barbara Independent about the importance of making relationships conscious. I know it sounds like new-age hippie stuff, but it's really good advice. I think its important to point out that a relationship is something you put effort into every single day. For some people it might be easy, but every relationship hits rough patches. If you put in the routine maintenance, a little bit each day, you'll get over the rough patches. If you don't put in the effort, the rough patches will tear you apart.
There is a follow up article called
Making a Conscious Relationship Work. I want to pull out this quote:
"If you can't describe your feelings of anger, hurt or disappointment to your spouse because it is disallowed—through such typical maneuvers such as shaming or ignoring—then you are being emotionally abused and you don't have a viable relationship."
So completely and amazingly true. You need to be able to express your feelings to your significant other, no matter what, without fear of ridicule, and without being ignored. I will say that sometimes you might want to calm down and collect your thoughts before expressing yourself; screaming at someone won't get your point across as well as talking about something honestly but calmly. Honesty is the key though. While yelling and screaming are counterproductive, you also don't want to water down what you need to say. The right person will listen to you and give feedback. Don't accept anything less. The person who keeps everything bottled up inside can be just as destructive to a relationship as the person who is emotionally abusive. You've got to talk to your significant other when a problem arises, not six months later when the resentment has snowballed and you can't take it anymore. It's not fair to them, if they never even knew about the problem.
Labels: communication, love
Three How-To Articles
I just came across this very funny video entitled
How to Be the Perfect Girlfriend. It's funny because its true!
Have you ever felt awkward about giving compliments?
How to Give a Good Compliment is a quick guide to giving compliments that will flatter the person receiving them. One thing I would add to this guide, is don't give compliments that aren't genuine. People know the difference between saying something because you really noticed, and saying something because you wanted something nice to say. For example, saying "That's a great shirt!" when you really find it hideous, will never come across as genuine.
From
Joystiq, a link to a WikiHow article on
How to Get Your Girlfriend to Play Videogames. Now, I like the idea of more girls playing video games, and I like the idea of couples trying out each other's hobbies. This article kind of pissed me off a little though. I feel like when we describe it as "How to get your girlfriend to," it's continuing the myth that girls don't like video games. Maybe the reason girls don't like video games is simply because we keep continuing that myth. Maybe if we didn't describe it in those terms, more girls would feel like it's okay for them to enjoy video games.
Also, I've known many a girl who resented video games, because she had often felt ignored by a boyfriend who was playing them. So if you're significant other hates games and you love them, make sure you aren't ignoring him or her to play games, because you'll just be making their hatred worse. It is also entirely possible that he or she already holds a resentment for gaming, because they previously dated a gamer who ignored them, even if you don't. It's just something to keep in mind.
If I was a gamer who wanted to get my significant other into gaming, my first stop would be the arcade. Try a place like Dave and Buster's with a big variety of games. You can even win tickets to get prizes on some of them. Have your S.O try a bunch of games to see what they like. Your girlfriend spends $10 playing House of the Dead? Maybe she would be willing to play Resident Evil or even Counterstrike.
Labels: communication, videgames
Are text messages and TV the bane of relationships?
Do you use text messaging or other technology to avoid serious conversations?
Here is an article talking about the importance of face-to-face conversations in the digital age. It points out that texting shouldn't be used as a way out of a real conversation that you don't want to have. I agree with that point, but I would add that its better to text about something than never discuss it at all. Quietly stewing about something is far worse than having a text conversation about it. Personally, I hate texting on phones- it takes too long. I've had plenty of important conversations via instant messaging or email, though.
In the latest "
Blame Television for the Downfall of Civilization" news, studies show that people are more disengaged from those around them when the TV is on. Does this mean you should take the TV out of your bedroom? The article does point out that it depends on how people use the TV. Do you turn the TV on to drown out your partner, or do you watch together and talk about the shows? It can be a nice way to relax together if its something you both enjoy. If you're using it to zone out and ignore your partner, then there are likely problems in the relationship that can't be solved just by taking the TV out of the bedroom.
A very sad, touching
article from BBC News about an Israeli woman and a Palestinian man in love.
A woman talks about sexuality and Buddhism in a post from
BuddhistGeeks.com.
Labels: communication, love, religion
Communication
Let's talk about TALKING! I really really really REALLY believe that this is the most important thing in a relationship. Here are a few tips on communicating with your significant other!
Different styles of communication:
I don't like gender generalizations, but here is one that I have heard repeated quite often (I believe the first place I heard it was John Gray of Men are from Mars... fame). Women tend to want to talk to their significant other to express their feelings. They don't necessarily want you to do anything about it, they just want you to know how they feel. Men on the other hand, want to fix things. When their significant other expresses a concern to them, they want to know what they can do to make it better. Now I'm sure there are people on both sides that have both traits. I am a woman, but I know that I am definitely a "How can I fix this?" person when someone I know is upset. Its just something to keep in mind when communicating with your significant other. Maybe if they are a "How can I fix this?" person, you can tell them, "I don't need you to do anything, I just want to tell you how I feel."
Letting it all out:
Were you ever upset about something, but you didn't want to tell someone about it? Maybe you thought your feelings were irrational, or maybe you just didn't want to talk about it. Or maybe you were just really, really angry but you didn't want to get in a fight. So, you kept it all on the inside. Maybe your significant other asked what was wrong, and you said "Nothing." Maybe they even asked about the particular thing that really was bothering you, and you said, "No, I'm fine." But it wasn't fine. And maybe a week later, you blew up at them about it? This was something that was brought up to me recently as an "It drives me crazy when women do this..." sort of thing, but again I don't think it's necessarily a gender issue. I have dealt with men with a similar habit. So when something is wrong, you should tell your significant other. EVEN IF you think its silly. You can say, "I feel like this is kind of silly, but it still bothered me..." If you don't want to get into it because you think you're going to get in a fight, then just rationally think it through. Why are you upset specifically? What, if anything, could your significant other do to fix it, or to prevent you from being upset next time? Maybe you don't want them to do anything. You might even say something like, "I know this shouldn't bother me, and I don't want you to change anything, but this upset me in this way..." It's especially important to open up and talk about it if the person asks you "Is
this why you're upset?" They probably know you well enough to know that is what is bothering you, and they want to try to fix it. If you lie and tell them that that isn't what is bothering you when it is, its going to make them angry when they find out the truth, and it will make any situation far worse.
Talking doesn't have to mean talking:
Talking things through is really good for your relationship, and you probably already knew that. But what if you aren't comfortable talking? Personally, I'm very shy and I always have been. So my conversational skills are not the greatest. I have experienced many a situation in which I want to express my opinion about something, but my mind goes completely blank. So instead of an eloquent argument for why I was offended by some sexist comment, what comes out is, "Well, yes, it was too sexist! Because obviously it was hateful towards women! You aren't a woman so you don't get it! That guy sucks!" As you can see, it is not a very well thought out, articulate argument.
So, sometimes I don't want to talk about something. In some cases, I write about it. While conversation is always best (eye contact, body language, all sorts of reasons), if you are uncomfortable with it, then I say writing is okay too. Here is a secret about me: I have emailed my boyfriend from another room. Shocking, I know! To think, she who blogs about relationships and communication could possibly be shy about having a simple conversation! But I've found once or twice that it was much easier to just get all of my thoughts out in a coherent fashion in an email than to try to sputter them out, while that deer-in-headlights feeling comes over me. An email or a letter can be a great way to start a conversation too. Get it all out in writing, and then talk about it after your S.O. reads it. You need to have some decent communication between the two of you for this to work, though. Really, talking about things as much as possible is best.
Another way you can use writing to communicate is when you want to express gratitude, appreciation, love, or any other positives to your honey. Leaving a note on their desk thanking them for an extra special weekend will make them feel wonderful.
Labels: communication
