How to deal when your significant other has changed
Here is the thing about love: it is never perfect. Even the most wonderful person in the world is going to have flaws. When you can accept them, flaws and all, that is love.
Sometimes people change. Maybe you've accepted all of your significant other's flaws, but years go by and new ones come up that you never would've accepted in the beginning. Sometimes the person you love is going to change for the worse. What do you do when the person you're with is not the person you fell in love with? In the immortal words of Kenny Rogers, "you gotta know when to hold 'em and know when to fold 'em."
Ask yourself, is this a change I can live with? Let's say you married a vegetarian hippie like yourself, but now he's eating steaks and his politics are decided by Toby Keith songs. Can the two of you have a relationship full of lively, respectful debate? Or have things become hostile and bitter as you realize you're not on the same page anymore. Even a change for the worse can be something you can adjust to in time, you just have to really be honest with yourself about how it will affect your relationship.
Temporary changes happen sometimes, and in this case I think you've got to stick by them and get them through it. If your normally happy girlfriend gradually becomes sad and withdrawn, she could have depression, and it's something you can try to help her out of. Encourage her to go to therapy or figure out what triggered it in the first place. If it's a temporary setback, your relationship may be fine, if not stronger, when you get over the rough patch. Temporary changes can be brought on by stress, depression, change in work status, or many other things. This is the time when your significant other needs you the most, but you need to confront them about how they've changed. Waiting for them to fix it ,when they may not have even realized what was happening, isn't fair to them. Things like depression can come on gradually, and they may not know what was wrong until you point out specific things that are different.
If it's a permanent change, then it's up to you to decide if it's time to leave. How will you know? Talk to them about it. Do they recognize that they've changed, that it wasn't a positive change, and they want to fix it? Then stick by them. If they keep saying they want to fix it, but given time make no real steps toward doing so, then it's time to reconsider. This is never easy. You want to believe that they are going to make the changes you want them to, and you still love them very much. But if they keep promising to try to fix thing s but they make no attempt to do so, that is a problem. If they are really trying but it's not working, it may still be salvageable. The difference is when they are really trying, or just giving you lip service to keep you around. That can be one of the hardest things to differentiate when you're looking at someone with loving eyes.
When you bring up the change you've noticed, are they hostile or defensive, or do they see what has changed as a positive? Then it's up to you to decide if you want to stay. You never know, the change that you perceive in their personality may even be a reaction to a change in yours that you weren't even aware of.
Labels: communication, love, relationships
Are video game controllers ruining your relationship?
Here is an article about the
strain put on relationships from the plethora of video game controllers than many gamers own. The article likens girlfriends complaining that their boyfriend has too many controllers, to men complaining that their wives have too many shoes.
The amount of time and money spent on any sort of hobby or collection is the issue. I understand if a girl complains that her guy spends too much time gaming. In that case, when you bring home your shiny new DDR mat the first thing that pops into her head may be, "Yet ANOTHER game to take up his time!" Instead of complaining about the DDR mat, she needs to express what she's really feeling, in this case that her boyfriend spends too much time gaming instead of with her.
I also understand if a girl complains if that her guy just leaves the controllers all over the place. She probably has other issues with the house staying neat. I think video games always become an easy target for non-gamers, because they seem so frivolous. If the real issue is keeping the house neat, then thats what she needs to talk about, instead of complaining about the controllers.
If the time spent gaming isn't a problem, and the controllers are put away and organized, then I don't see what the problem is. If your girlfriend has a general disdain for gaming and is annoyed just because you bought another controller, then you might not be with the right person. Your significant other should respect your hobbies, even if he or she doesn't enjoy or understand them.
Labels: geeks
Having Standards that are Just Right
Having standards while dating can be tricky business. If they are too low, you end up in one of those "What was I thinking?" situations, where you're with someone that is clearly not right for you. If you're standards are too high, you risk missing out on a lot of opportunities to spend time with great people.
As Lauryn Hill put it, "Respect is just the minimum." If your boyfriend or girlfriend does not respect you, it should be over right then and there. Basic respect means they don't belittle your opinions, they don't ignore your concerns, and as mentioned in a previous post, they don't tell you that your feelings are wrong. That doesn't mean they can't disagree with you, but there is a respectful way to do so. When your standards are too low, you may not see disrespect for what it really is. If you're putting up with someone who lies, cheats, ignores your feelings, or treats you with indifference, you need to raise your standards.
When your standards are too high, the only person it hurts is you. I think it's great to have an idea of the kind of person you're looking for, but be willing to try someone who isn't exactly your type. Are your deal breakers things that are close to your heart (like being an animal lover?) Or are they things that, down the line, won't really matter (like only dating girls with blond hair?) Something I
posted about before is that when you are in love with someone, they become attractive to you. It's the way your brain is wired. Even if they weren't your type before, if you give them a chance and you develop that emotional bond, you'll find them attractive pretty quickly. That doesn't mean you should date someone you find repulsive, but giving someone a shot who doesn't fit your normal physical type is definitely worth it if there are other qualities you really like about him or her.
This is for the ladies. Specifically, the ladies that read romance novels. I work in a library, so I see quite a few of these every day.
You are not going to marry any sort of prince. There are not tons of super sweet billionaire bachelors out there who are sick of dating starlets and are just looking for a nice Midwestern secretary. If you have an affair with some Greek doctor, he is not going to fall in love with you when he discovers that you're carrying his child. And you will not, I repeat WILL NOT, ever marry a sheik. We're keeping our standards and expectations in check here.
The situation I've seen happen time and time again is that people have really high expectations for the things that don't really matter in a relationship, and they are willing to accept anyone who meets them. The way he or she treats you should be the most important thing in a relationship. Who cares if he has money, if he's a jerk? Who cares if she's gorgeous if she constantly belittles you? Ladies out there who like bad boys, you know exactly what I'm talking about. He has tattoos, he rides a motorcycle, you fall in love. It's too bad he blows off dates with you, drinks too much, and is completely uninterested in anything you have to say. Meanwhile you met a great guy at a party, but you were too wrapped up in Mr. Leather Jacket to see it.
You'll likely never find someone who matches what you have pictured in your head exactly. If you learn when to bend your standards a little bit, and when to stick to them, you'll waste less time in go-nowhere relationships and have more opportunities to find real love.
Labels: love, relationships, standards
Multi-gasmic Sex
A recent magazine blurb has gotten me doing a bit of research on those old Kegel exercises. I found a great article
here on how it helps improve the sexual experience of both partners.
Ladies...this is really important after having a kiddo...and it's keeps you from having a myriad of urinary/pelvic problems in your later years.
In the original piece that grab my attention on the topic, the recommendation was 30 - 50 per day.
Labels: sex, sexual health
Making Relationships Conscious
"Intimacy is the realization that you have a profound effect on the other and treating that knowledge with the utmost respect."
This is from a great column from the
Santa Barbara Independent about the importance of making relationships conscious. I know it sounds like new-age hippie stuff, but it's really good advice. I think its important to point out that a relationship is something you put effort into every single day. For some people it might be easy, but every relationship hits rough patches. If you put in the routine maintenance, a little bit each day, you'll get over the rough patches. If you don't put in the effort, the rough patches will tear you apart.
There is a follow up article called
Making a Conscious Relationship Work. I want to pull out this quote:
"If you can't describe your feelings of anger, hurt or disappointment to your spouse because it is disallowed—through such typical maneuvers such as shaming or ignoring—then you are being emotionally abused and you don't have a viable relationship."
So completely and amazingly true. You need to be able to express your feelings to your significant other, no matter what, without fear of ridicule, and without being ignored. I will say that sometimes you might want to calm down and collect your thoughts before expressing yourself; screaming at someone won't get your point across as well as talking about something honestly but calmly. Honesty is the key though. While yelling and screaming are counterproductive, you also don't want to water down what you need to say. The right person will listen to you and give feedback. Don't accept anything less. The person who keeps everything bottled up inside can be just as destructive to a relationship as the person who is emotionally abusive. You've got to talk to your significant other when a problem arises, not six months later when the resentment has snowballed and you can't take it anymore. It's not fair to them, if they never even knew about the problem.
Labels: communication, love
