Relevant ramblings from my loopy journal...
Yesterday afternoon I was reading a very interesting article on the "reasons" that infidelity destroys American marriages, yet doesn't seem to have as near a destructive impact in marriages in other nations. It was certainly written from the male perspective and uses the American concept of a marriage to condemn itself. Therefore he rendered his article completely illogical (you cannot use what you are trying to prove as proof because you have not proven it yet). It did, however, force me to reexamine my views on a few things (marriage, sex, the media, etc.) even if only in brief.
One example they gave was a man on a business trip to NY. He meets a local in a bar. She invites him home. He shows her his wedding ring, and she doesn't care. They have a night of crazy hot sex and life goes on. Aside from the disease factor, I find myself asking what is inherently evil about that? They had sex. In a typical middle-class American marriage, truth would tear the marraige apart. But I am asking myself, is sex the most important thing we provide to a spouse? Is there nothing more sacred in a marriage that can hold a bond between two people? It is fair that seeking sex outside a marriage is held as criminal when married people go elsewhere to have their emotional or psychological needs met all of the time?
Lately new articles have been popping up about the phenomenon of the "emotional affair." So now, not only can we not seek sexual fulfillment outside marriage, but we cannot have our emotional needs met their either? This is the psychological equivalent to putting all your eggs in one basket. Is it fair to your spouse that you must run to them to fulfill your every need?
...I could go on and on about this. Every new thought brings new questions about the nature of relationships, the influence of the media, and (now) the American myth of personal independence.
I'll stop...for now.
Labels: infidelity, marriage, relationships, sex
Chatterbox
This has no basis in magazine, internet or lit. This is from personal experience.
If you want to maintain a healthy long-lasting relationship, you must talk. I'm not refering to planning out where you're going for dinner or whose picking up the kids. I mean talking like you have all the time in the world for that other junk. Talk about religeon. Talk about politics. Talk about the fabulous new novel you just finished. Talk about your fascination with *whatever*. Talk about what makes you tick...what makes you who you are.
If you do not, one day you will wake up and realize that you have no idea who that guy/girl is that's in bed with you.
Make time for it. Plan dates that include chatting over coffee. Think of insightful or leading questions to ask your partner in order to trigger some great convo. Above all, be an active participant.
These talks help maintain intimacy. It is my firm belief that these talks make or break a relationship.
Labels: communication, love, marriage, relationships
Flirting or Cheating?Ok ladies...I tend to agree with the guy on this one.
Basically, th eidea is...if you wouldn't want your partner doing it with someone else, you shouldn't be.
It is just nice to hear that from the male perspective. Sometimes it seems that we are both orbiting in separate universes. Maybe we aren't as different as we thought.
Labels: men, relationships, standards
Breaking up via email
Here is a Boston Globe article about
ending relationships via email. I can't think of any situations in which dumping someone via email or instant messaging is ok, but I'd be interested to hear other people's experiences. Have you ever been dumped by email?
Labels: communication, relationships
Getting into a new relationship without losing your mind.
Here is a
great article from the Edmonton Sun about not losing your mind when you get into a new relationship. There is good advice here about keeping your sense of self instead of becoming simply half of a couple, and she also makes good points about not rushing into things. It is really important to let a relationship bloom and grow naturally. Here is a great quote from the article:
"You may quickly usher your new crush to the front of the line, but remember the other people in your life - your family and friends, your sports, hobbies, interests and, generally, who you still are. It's easy to slip into identifying yourself as a half of a couple instead of two individuals with separate dynamic lives. The more whole you are yourself, the more you have to offer others – including that special someone."
Really good advice. Sometimes, though, it's just SO HARD! We've all been there-you're completely crazy in love, you both think you've found The One, and you can't stop thinking about the each other. You know you have to slow down, enjoy the newness of the relationship, and most importantly, hold on to your sense of self. But inevitably, you believe that your relationship is
different. All that advice applies to
normal relationships, not this special soul mate bond that you've formed. And inevutably, there is burn out. You spend every waking second together, and then wonder why you've run out of things to say to each other. From what I've seen, it's usually around the three month mark that this happens. So just remember, while your relationship is very special, it's not invulnerable. Allowing yourself to be your own person will help your relationship to grow. After all, it's YOU that your significant other fell in love with, not "half of a couple" you. That doesn't mean that you can't spend tons of time together, just make sure you aren't sacrificing too many things you really enjoy or too much time with friends. It reminds me from a great scene from the movie Practical Magic, where Gillian is trying to describe love to her young niece:
Gillian Owens: You ever put your arms out and spin really, really fast?
Antonia Owens: She does it all the time.
Gillian Owens: She does? Well, that's what love is like. It makes your heart race. It turns the world upside down. But if you're not careful, if you don't keep your eyes on something still, you can lose your balance. You can't see what's happening to the people around you. You can't see that you're about to fall.
So remember, if you want that new love to last forever, you have to make sure you keep your sense of self, and slow down and enjoy every stage of the relationship, instead of rushing through them.
Labels: relationships
How to deal when your significant other has changed
Here is the thing about love: it is never perfect. Even the most wonderful person in the world is going to have flaws. When you can accept them, flaws and all, that is love.
Sometimes people change. Maybe you've accepted all of your significant other's flaws, but years go by and new ones come up that you never would've accepted in the beginning. Sometimes the person you love is going to change for the worse. What do you do when the person you're with is not the person you fell in love with? In the immortal words of Kenny Rogers, "you gotta know when to hold 'em and know when to fold 'em."
Ask yourself, is this a change I can live with? Let's say you married a vegetarian hippie like yourself, but now he's eating steaks and his politics are decided by Toby Keith songs. Can the two of you have a relationship full of lively, respectful debate? Or have things become hostile and bitter as you realize you're not on the same page anymore. Even a change for the worse can be something you can adjust to in time, you just have to really be honest with yourself about how it will affect your relationship.
Temporary changes happen sometimes, and in this case I think you've got to stick by them and get them through it. If your normally happy girlfriend gradually becomes sad and withdrawn, she could have depression, and it's something you can try to help her out of. Encourage her to go to therapy or figure out what triggered it in the first place. If it's a temporary setback, your relationship may be fine, if not stronger, when you get over the rough patch. Temporary changes can be brought on by stress, depression, change in work status, or many other things. This is the time when your significant other needs you the most, but you need to confront them about how they've changed. Waiting for them to fix it ,when they may not have even realized what was happening, isn't fair to them. Things like depression can come on gradually, and they may not know what was wrong until you point out specific things that are different.
If it's a permanent change, then it's up to you to decide if it's time to leave. How will you know? Talk to them about it. Do they recognize that they've changed, that it wasn't a positive change, and they want to fix it? Then stick by them. If they keep saying they want to fix it, but given time make no real steps toward doing so, then it's time to reconsider. This is never easy. You want to believe that they are going to make the changes you want them to, and you still love them very much. But if they keep promising to try to fix thing s but they make no attempt to do so, that is a problem. If they are really trying but it's not working, it may still be salvageable. The difference is when they are really trying, or just giving you lip service to keep you around. That can be one of the hardest things to differentiate when you're looking at someone with loving eyes.
When you bring up the change you've noticed, are they hostile or defensive, or do they see what has changed as a positive? Then it's up to you to decide if you want to stay. You never know, the change that you perceive in their personality may even be a reaction to a change in yours that you weren't even aware of.
Labels: communication, love, relationships
Having Standards that are Just Right
Having standards while dating can be tricky business. If they are too low, you end up in one of those "What was I thinking?" situations, where you're with someone that is clearly not right for you. If you're standards are too high, you risk missing out on a lot of opportunities to spend time with great people.
As Lauryn Hill put it, "Respect is just the minimum." If your boyfriend or girlfriend does not respect you, it should be over right then and there. Basic respect means they don't belittle your opinions, they don't ignore your concerns, and as mentioned in a previous post, they don't tell you that your feelings are wrong. That doesn't mean they can't disagree with you, but there is a respectful way to do so. When your standards are too low, you may not see disrespect for what it really is. If you're putting up with someone who lies, cheats, ignores your feelings, or treats you with indifference, you need to raise your standards.
When your standards are too high, the only person it hurts is you. I think it's great to have an idea of the kind of person you're looking for, but be willing to try someone who isn't exactly your type. Are your deal breakers things that are close to your heart (like being an animal lover?) Or are they things that, down the line, won't really matter (like only dating girls with blond hair?) Something I
posted about before is that when you are in love with someone, they become attractive to you. It's the way your brain is wired. Even if they weren't your type before, if you give them a chance and you develop that emotional bond, you'll find them attractive pretty quickly. That doesn't mean you should date someone you find repulsive, but giving someone a shot who doesn't fit your normal physical type is definitely worth it if there are other qualities you really like about him or her.
This is for the ladies. Specifically, the ladies that read romance novels. I work in a library, so I see quite a few of these every day.
You are not going to marry any sort of prince. There are not tons of super sweet billionaire bachelors out there who are sick of dating starlets and are just looking for a nice Midwestern secretary. If you have an affair with some Greek doctor, he is not going to fall in love with you when he discovers that you're carrying his child. And you will not, I repeat WILL NOT, ever marry a sheik. We're keeping our standards and expectations in check here.
The situation I've seen happen time and time again is that people have really high expectations for the things that don't really matter in a relationship, and they are willing to accept anyone who meets them. The way he or she treats you should be the most important thing in a relationship. Who cares if he has money, if he's a jerk? Who cares if she's gorgeous if she constantly belittles you? Ladies out there who like bad boys, you know exactly what I'm talking about. He has tattoos, he rides a motorcycle, you fall in love. It's too bad he blows off dates with you, drinks too much, and is completely uninterested in anything you have to say. Meanwhile you met a great guy at a party, but you were too wrapped up in Mr. Leather Jacket to see it.
You'll likely never find someone who matches what you have pictured in your head exactly. If you learn when to bend your standards a little bit, and when to stick to them, you'll waste less time in go-nowhere relationships and have more opportunities to find real love.
Labels: love, relationships, standards
