Relevant ramblings from my loopy journal...
Yesterday afternoon I was reading a very interesting article on the "reasons" that infidelity destroys American marriages, yet doesn't seem to have as near a destructive impact in marriages in other nations. It was certainly written from the male perspective and uses the American concept of a marriage to condemn itself. Therefore he rendered his article completely illogical (you cannot use what you are trying to prove as proof because you have not proven it yet). It did, however, force me to reexamine my views on a few things (marriage, sex, the media, etc.) even if only in brief.
One example they gave was a man on a business trip to NY. He meets a local in a bar. She invites him home. He shows her his wedding ring, and she doesn't care. They have a night of crazy hot sex and life goes on. Aside from the disease factor, I find myself asking what is inherently evil about that? They had sex. In a typical middle-class American marriage, truth would tear the marraige apart. But I am asking myself, is sex the most important thing we provide to a spouse? Is there nothing more sacred in a marriage that can hold a bond between two people? It is fair that seeking sex outside a marriage is held as criminal when married people go elsewhere to have their emotional or psychological needs met all of the time?
Lately new articles have been popping up about the phenomenon of the "emotional affair." So now, not only can we not seek sexual fulfillment outside marriage, but we cannot have our emotional needs met their either? This is the psychological equivalent to putting all your eggs in one basket. Is it fair to your spouse that you must run to them to fulfill your every need?
...I could go on and on about this. Every new thought brings new questions about the nature of relationships, the influence of the media, and (now) the American myth of personal independence.
I'll stop...for now.
Labels: infidelity, marriage, relationships, sex
Chatterbox
This has no basis in magazine, internet or lit. This is from personal experience.
If you want to maintain a healthy long-lasting relationship, you must talk. I'm not refering to planning out where you're going for dinner or whose picking up the kids. I mean talking like you have all the time in the world for that other junk. Talk about religeon. Talk about politics. Talk about the fabulous new novel you just finished. Talk about your fascination with *whatever*. Talk about what makes you tick...what makes you who you are.
If you do not, one day you will wake up and realize that you have no idea who that guy/girl is that's in bed with you.
Make time for it. Plan dates that include chatting over coffee. Think of insightful or leading questions to ask your partner in order to trigger some great convo. Above all, be an active participant.
These talks help maintain intimacy. It is my firm belief that these talks make or break a relationship.
Labels: communication, love, marriage, relationships
Ok...so there is a little religion...
My cousin recently loaned me a book titled The Power of a Praying Wife among a couple other books by Stormie O’Martian. I’m not going to get into the religious aspects here, but there is something I found interesting in what her methods do to cause change in the relationship.
The purpose of the book is to cause healing in a troubled marriage through prayer. Instead of praying for yourself/your marriage, the book asks that you pray for your husband instead. It pulls your focus off of your own desires and forces you to look at your partner. Praying for someone, in general, causes you to have more patience, understanding, compassion and affection toward that person. It also reduces conflict because it asks the wife to turn to prayer instead of reacting negatively when the husband is being a tool. It basically breaks the cycle of conflict.
Ok. I got that. But what I REALLY found interesting is that the very first thing you are told to pray for is your husband’s wife. In essence, you are praying for yourself only after taking your own selfish desires out of the equation. You are praying for God to help you become a better person the way He wants you to be, not the way you want to be. While that may seem strange to a non-believer, it seems to me to be a key element of a happy relationship. You don’t have to be religious to have a successful relationship but you do need to be unselfish in your love for your partner.
For a lot of people in failing marriages, that it a revolutionary concept.
…
On a personal note, I have been praying for my hubby in the aspects she advises, not because our marriage is failing but because I want to keep it from getting there. On Saturday the topic was to pray for his work (that he not be lazy or a workaholic, that he find balance, that he only does “good” work, etc.). He ended up getting reamed by his manager that evening because he was working on a personal project when he had work to do. It may not seem like the answer to my prayer until you know how much his projects have been interfering in our relationship. When he came home he was talking about how he realize that he was letting these projects distract him from doing what he should be doing blah blah blah…which is EXACTLY what I had been trying to make him see for the last couple of months…
Maybe there is something to all of this…*shrug*Labels: book review, marriage
