Relevant ramblings from my loopy journal...
Yesterday afternoon I was reading a very interesting article on the "reasons" that infidelity destroys American marriages, yet doesn't seem to have as near a destructive impact in marriages in other nations. It was certainly written from the male perspective and uses the American concept of a marriage to condemn itself. Therefore he rendered his article completely illogical (you cannot use what you are trying to prove as proof because you have not proven it yet). It did, however, force me to reexamine my views on a few things (marriage, sex, the media, etc.) even if only in brief.
One example they gave was a man on a business trip to NY. He meets a local in a bar. She invites him home. He shows her his wedding ring, and she doesn't care. They have a night of crazy hot sex and life goes on. Aside from the disease factor, I find myself asking what is inherently evil about that? They had sex. In a typical middle-class American marriage, truth would tear the marraige apart. But I am asking myself, is sex the most important thing we provide to a spouse? Is there nothing more sacred in a marriage that can hold a bond between two people? It is fair that seeking sex outside a marriage is held as criminal when married people go elsewhere to have their emotional or psychological needs met all of the time?
Lately new articles have been popping up about the phenomenon of the "emotional affair." So now, not only can we not seek sexual fulfillment outside marriage, but we cannot have our emotional needs met their either? This is the psychological equivalent to putting all your eggs in one basket. Is it fair to your spouse that you must run to them to fulfill your every need?
...I could go on and on about this. Every new thought brings new questions about the nature of relationships, the influence of the media, and (now) the American myth of personal independence.
I'll stop...for now.
Labels: infidelity, marriage, relationships, sex
Chatterbox
This has no basis in magazine, internet or lit. This is from personal experience.
If you want to maintain a healthy long-lasting relationship, you must talk. I'm not refering to planning out where you're going for dinner or whose picking up the kids. I mean talking like you have all the time in the world for that other junk. Talk about religeon. Talk about politics. Talk about the fabulous new novel you just finished. Talk about your fascination with *whatever*. Talk about what makes you tick...what makes you who you are.
If you do not, one day you will wake up and realize that you have no idea who that guy/girl is that's in bed with you.
Make time for it. Plan dates that include chatting over coffee. Think of insightful or leading questions to ask your partner in order to trigger some great convo. Above all, be an active participant.
These talks help maintain intimacy. It is my firm belief that these talks make or break a relationship.
Labels: communication, love, marriage, relationships
Flirting or Cheating?Ok ladies...I tend to agree with the guy on this one.
Basically, th eidea is...if you wouldn't want your partner doing it with someone else, you shouldn't be.
It is just nice to hear that from the male perspective. Sometimes it seems that we are both orbiting in separate universes. Maybe we aren't as different as we thought.
Labels: men, relationships, standards
Breaking up via email
Here is a Boston Globe article about
ending relationships via email. I can't think of any situations in which dumping someone via email or instant messaging is ok, but I'd be interested to hear other people's experiences. Have you ever been dumped by email?
Labels: communication, relationships
Getting into a new relationship without losing your mind.
Here is a
great article from the Edmonton Sun about not losing your mind when you get into a new relationship. There is good advice here about keeping your sense of self instead of becoming simply half of a couple, and she also makes good points about not rushing into things. It is really important to let a relationship bloom and grow naturally. Here is a great quote from the article:
"You may quickly usher your new crush to the front of the line, but remember the other people in your life - your family and friends, your sports, hobbies, interests and, generally, who you still are. It's easy to slip into identifying yourself as a half of a couple instead of two individuals with separate dynamic lives. The more whole you are yourself, the more you have to offer others – including that special someone."
Really good advice. Sometimes, though, it's just SO HARD! We've all been there-you're completely crazy in love, you both think you've found The One, and you can't stop thinking about the each other. You know you have to slow down, enjoy the newness of the relationship, and most importantly, hold on to your sense of self. But inevitably, you believe that your relationship is
different. All that advice applies to
normal relationships, not this special soul mate bond that you've formed. And inevutably, there is burn out. You spend every waking second together, and then wonder why you've run out of things to say to each other. From what I've seen, it's usually around the three month mark that this happens. So just remember, while your relationship is very special, it's not invulnerable. Allowing yourself to be your own person will help your relationship to grow. After all, it's YOU that your significant other fell in love with, not "half of a couple" you. That doesn't mean that you can't spend tons of time together, just make sure you aren't sacrificing too many things you really enjoy or too much time with friends. It reminds me from a great scene from the movie Practical Magic, where Gillian is trying to describe love to her young niece:
Gillian Owens: You ever put your arms out and spin really, really fast?
Antonia Owens: She does it all the time.
Gillian Owens: She does? Well, that's what love is like. It makes your heart race. It turns the world upside down. But if you're not careful, if you don't keep your eyes on something still, you can lose your balance. You can't see what's happening to the people around you. You can't see that you're about to fall.
So remember, if you want that new love to last forever, you have to make sure you keep your sense of self, and slow down and enjoy every stage of the relationship, instead of rushing through them.
Labels: relationships
What do you think is the most romantic song?
This morning I was driving to an appointment, and "Maybe I'm Amazed" by Paul McCartney came on the radio. It made me think of my sweetie, and that was really nice on a stressful day. When I was in the waiting room, it came on again. So I really started thinking about it. It's such a great song, because it's not about some sort of fairy tale romance. It's about a real relationship. There's songs that are the musical equivalent of romance novels, fluffy and syrupy sweet, and then there are songs where someone spilled open their guts on the page and said what they really felt.
This got me to thinking, is this the most romantic song ever? Surely there are other candidates, and what's romantic to one person isn't to another. So what's your most romantic song ever?
Other possibilities:
- Many, many things by The Cure (if you've ever been a broken hearted goth boy, then you might pick Boys Don't Cry)
- Can't Help Falling in Love (is this originally by Elvis?)
- Why Can't I by Liz Phair holds a special place in my heart, and I think it captures that beginning of a relationship, schoolgirl crush kind of feeling. I don't know if it's the most romantic EVER.
- Stevie Wonder. Just about everything.
Labels: music, romance
How to deal when your significant other has changed
Here is the thing about love: it is never perfect. Even the most wonderful person in the world is going to have flaws. When you can accept them, flaws and all, that is love.
Sometimes people change. Maybe you've accepted all of your significant other's flaws, but years go by and new ones come up that you never would've accepted in the beginning. Sometimes the person you love is going to change for the worse. What do you do when the person you're with is not the person you fell in love with? In the immortal words of Kenny Rogers, "you gotta know when to hold 'em and know when to fold 'em."
Ask yourself, is this a change I can live with? Let's say you married a vegetarian hippie like yourself, but now he's eating steaks and his politics are decided by Toby Keith songs. Can the two of you have a relationship full of lively, respectful debate? Or have things become hostile and bitter as you realize you're not on the same page anymore. Even a change for the worse can be something you can adjust to in time, you just have to really be honest with yourself about how it will affect your relationship.
Temporary changes happen sometimes, and in this case I think you've got to stick by them and get them through it. If your normally happy girlfriend gradually becomes sad and withdrawn, she could have depression, and it's something you can try to help her out of. Encourage her to go to therapy or figure out what triggered it in the first place. If it's a temporary setback, your relationship may be fine, if not stronger, when you get over the rough patch. Temporary changes can be brought on by stress, depression, change in work status, or many other things. This is the time when your significant other needs you the most, but you need to confront them about how they've changed. Waiting for them to fix it ,when they may not have even realized what was happening, isn't fair to them. Things like depression can come on gradually, and they may not know what was wrong until you point out specific things that are different.
If it's a permanent change, then it's up to you to decide if it's time to leave. How will you know? Talk to them about it. Do they recognize that they've changed, that it wasn't a positive change, and they want to fix it? Then stick by them. If they keep saying they want to fix it, but given time make no real steps toward doing so, then it's time to reconsider. This is never easy. You want to believe that they are going to make the changes you want them to, and you still love them very much. But if they keep promising to try to fix thing s but they make no attempt to do so, that is a problem. If they are really trying but it's not working, it may still be salvageable. The difference is when they are really trying, or just giving you lip service to keep you around. That can be one of the hardest things to differentiate when you're looking at someone with loving eyes.
When you bring up the change you've noticed, are they hostile or defensive, or do they see what has changed as a positive? Then it's up to you to decide if you want to stay. You never know, the change that you perceive in their personality may even be a reaction to a change in yours that you weren't even aware of.
Labels: communication, love, relationships
Are video game controllers ruining your relationship?
Here is an article about the
strain put on relationships from the plethora of video game controllers than many gamers own. The article likens girlfriends complaining that their boyfriend has too many controllers, to men complaining that their wives have too many shoes.
The amount of time and money spent on any sort of hobby or collection is the issue. I understand if a girl complains that her guy spends too much time gaming. In that case, when you bring home your shiny new DDR mat the first thing that pops into her head may be, "Yet ANOTHER game to take up his time!" Instead of complaining about the DDR mat, she needs to express what she's really feeling, in this case that her boyfriend spends too much time gaming instead of with her.
I also understand if a girl complains if that her guy just leaves the controllers all over the place. She probably has other issues with the house staying neat. I think video games always become an easy target for non-gamers, because they seem so frivolous. If the real issue is keeping the house neat, then thats what she needs to talk about, instead of complaining about the controllers.
If the time spent gaming isn't a problem, and the controllers are put away and organized, then I don't see what the problem is. If your girlfriend has a general disdain for gaming and is annoyed just because you bought another controller, then you might not be with the right person. Your significant other should respect your hobbies, even if he or she doesn't enjoy or understand them.
Labels: geeks
Having Standards that are Just Right
Having standards while dating can be tricky business. If they are too low, you end up in one of those "What was I thinking?" situations, where you're with someone that is clearly not right for you. If you're standards are too high, you risk missing out on a lot of opportunities to spend time with great people.
As Lauryn Hill put it, "Respect is just the minimum." If your boyfriend or girlfriend does not respect you, it should be over right then and there. Basic respect means they don't belittle your opinions, they don't ignore your concerns, and as mentioned in a previous post, they don't tell you that your feelings are wrong. That doesn't mean they can't disagree with you, but there is a respectful way to do so. When your standards are too low, you may not see disrespect for what it really is. If you're putting up with someone who lies, cheats, ignores your feelings, or treats you with indifference, you need to raise your standards.
When your standards are too high, the only person it hurts is you. I think it's great to have an idea of the kind of person you're looking for, but be willing to try someone who isn't exactly your type. Are your deal breakers things that are close to your heart (like being an animal lover?) Or are they things that, down the line, won't really matter (like only dating girls with blond hair?) Something I
posted about before is that when you are in love with someone, they become attractive to you. It's the way your brain is wired. Even if they weren't your type before, if you give them a chance and you develop that emotional bond, you'll find them attractive pretty quickly. That doesn't mean you should date someone you find repulsive, but giving someone a shot who doesn't fit your normal physical type is definitely worth it if there are other qualities you really like about him or her.
This is for the ladies. Specifically, the ladies that read romance novels. I work in a library, so I see quite a few of these every day.
You are not going to marry any sort of prince. There are not tons of super sweet billionaire bachelors out there who are sick of dating starlets and are just looking for a nice Midwestern secretary. If you have an affair with some Greek doctor, he is not going to fall in love with you when he discovers that you're carrying his child. And you will not, I repeat WILL NOT, ever marry a sheik. We're keeping our standards and expectations in check here.
The situation I've seen happen time and time again is that people have really high expectations for the things that don't really matter in a relationship, and they are willing to accept anyone who meets them. The way he or she treats you should be the most important thing in a relationship. Who cares if he has money, if he's a jerk? Who cares if she's gorgeous if she constantly belittles you? Ladies out there who like bad boys, you know exactly what I'm talking about. He has tattoos, he rides a motorcycle, you fall in love. It's too bad he blows off dates with you, drinks too much, and is completely uninterested in anything you have to say. Meanwhile you met a great guy at a party, but you were too wrapped up in Mr. Leather Jacket to see it.
You'll likely never find someone who matches what you have pictured in your head exactly. If you learn when to bend your standards a little bit, and when to stick to them, you'll waste less time in go-nowhere relationships and have more opportunities to find real love.
Labels: love, relationships, standards
Multi-gasmic Sex
A recent magazine blurb has gotten me doing a bit of research on those old Kegel exercises. I found a great article
here on how it helps improve the sexual experience of both partners.
Ladies...this is really important after having a kiddo...and it's keeps you from having a myriad of urinary/pelvic problems in your later years.
In the original piece that grab my attention on the topic, the recommendation was 30 - 50 per day.
Labels: sex, sexual health
Making Relationships Conscious
"Intimacy is the realization that you have a profound effect on the other and treating that knowledge with the utmost respect."
This is from a great column from the
Santa Barbara Independent about the importance of making relationships conscious. I know it sounds like new-age hippie stuff, but it's really good advice. I think its important to point out that a relationship is something you put effort into every single day. For some people it might be easy, but every relationship hits rough patches. If you put in the routine maintenance, a little bit each day, you'll get over the rough patches. If you don't put in the effort, the rough patches will tear you apart.
There is a follow up article called
Making a Conscious Relationship Work. I want to pull out this quote:
"If you can't describe your feelings of anger, hurt or disappointment to your spouse because it is disallowed—through such typical maneuvers such as shaming or ignoring—then you are being emotionally abused and you don't have a viable relationship."
So completely and amazingly true. You need to be able to express your feelings to your significant other, no matter what, without fear of ridicule, and without being ignored. I will say that sometimes you might want to calm down and collect your thoughts before expressing yourself; screaming at someone won't get your point across as well as talking about something honestly but calmly. Honesty is the key though. While yelling and screaming are counterproductive, you also don't want to water down what you need to say. The right person will listen to you and give feedback. Don't accept anything less. The person who keeps everything bottled up inside can be just as destructive to a relationship as the person who is emotionally abusive. You've got to talk to your significant other when a problem arises, not six months later when the resentment has snowballed and you can't take it anymore. It's not fair to them, if they never even knew about the problem.
Labels: communication, love
News links galore!
Cheap dates! Looking for an inexpensive idea for your next date? From
Zen Habits (via
Lifehacker), ideas for romantic dates that don't cost too much. My favorites on the list are museums and festivals. Really, if a guy wants to take me on a great date, he can't beat the zoo. The zoo is probably the same or a bit more than going out to a movie, depending on where you live, but I think you get more for your money as far as planning a fun date.
For advice on being environmentally responsible, Ask Umbra over at
Grist is the best. Recently she's covered both
green weddings and keeping your
sex life eco-friendly.
Baggage Reclaim has a list of "
Eight Dating Mistakes to Avoid". There are a few here that I'm sure you've heard before, but you might need to hear again.
Feministing reports that birth control prices are going up on college campuses. It's something to be aware of if you're using a campus clinic to get your prescriptions.
Need another reason to practice safe sex? A
recent survey shows that new parents lose up to 90 minutes of sleep per night, which over the course of a year, is equivalent to two months of sleepless ngihts.
Labels: dating
Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Condoms
Planned Parenthood has a really good section about birth control on their website. They include a list of what types of lubricants are and are not safe to use with latex condoms. This site is also worth checking out if you want to see what your different options are for birth control (there are more choices out there than you'd think.)
And for all you creative types between the ages of 15-24,
Advocates for Youth is sponsoring a contest to design an ad promoting condom use. Hurry, though, the contest ends April 1!
Labels: birth control
Long Distance Relationships!
Here is an
article about long distance relationships from the Boston Globe. The article discusses the factors that have led to more 20-somethings trying to maintain romantic relationships over long distances. One of the people they interviewed mentioned that all of the time spent talking and getting to know each other when they were apart made moving in together much easier, because they had already talked about a lot of issues that would come up later. I think this was definitely true in my case as well. Especially when you're going to move very far away to be with someone, you want to make sure there won't be too many unpleasant surprises when you move in. If you're considering moving a long way to be with the one you love, you should start talking about things like chores, bills, pets, all of your annoying habits, and anything else that might come up. Hate doing the dishes? Mentioning that now can avoid a fight later. Maybe if your potential live-in partner hates laundry, you can work out a trade.
If you're trying to do the long distance thing, I can not recommend purchasing a web cam enough. It's really nice to be able to see someone while you're talking to them.
Eyejot is a new service that can add another use for your web cam. It lets you send short web cam videos in email. It's completely web-based, so you don't have to download any sort of software to use it. When I tried it, the video worked immediately. However, it took me a bit to get the audio working. That might be because I'm completely incompetent with computer audio, though! This would be great for long distance couples to send each other video emails. Even if you aren't far away from each other, you could use
Eyejot to send each other funny little messages whenever you want. (via
Lifehacker)
From the Village Voice, the story of how a BDSM relationship
ended up in federal court. The article points out that this case would be much different had the charges been filed with the local police, instead of the US Attorney.
The Queen of England shows that she considers couples who are unmarried but living together to be
essentially married. As half of a cohabitating couple, I think that's a pretty cool recognition of today's changing lifestyles.
Labels: bdsm, long distance, love
Birth Control Myths, Gamers Getting Dates, and Dating Sites for Everyone
From CNN,
10 Myths About the Pill Busted! (via
Feministing)
The article mentions that the pill doesn't make migraines worse, and I think that is a little tricky. It can be a
migraine trigger, and that is something that women should be aware of.
I found an
interesting piece on Joystiq today (its a gaming news site, for you non-nerds.) Evidently, the denizens of Digg are convinced that playing World of Warcraft can't help you get a girlfriend. I can safely say, after moving four states away to be with a man I met on WoW, the folks at Digg are wrong on this one.
Looking for unique dating sites? Check out the list put together on
Girl Dates London.
Labels: birth control, dating, geeks
